Turning an Anxious Brain into a Helpful One
And how to see setbacks and unwanted change as opportunity.
A few weeks ago, my housemate bought a house. Massive windows on both floors face a wide and shallow spring-fed tributary that feeds the Deschutes River. It’s on an acre of land with just enough trees and bushes to mostly hide the neighbors. With almost no exceptions, the entire house and its appliances are original from the early 80s, and it’s a damn near total gut job. Her budget for renovations is quite large and the estimates she’s received from contractors only slightly exceed what she wants to spend.
She also owns the house we currently live in. While her new home loan isn’t contingent on the sale of her current house, she’s going to sell it. Which means I have to move.
I have no choice in the matter, of course. As a half joke, renting the current house to me and someone else came up, but she shut it down without acknowledging any part was a joke. But she’s described the new house— once it’s fully renovated — as her dream home. How could I be upset about this?
Still, here I seethe.
I don’t want to move. The current house is fantastic: on the edge of town so it feels close to the mountains, yet close enough to town to have the same commute as anyone else to get most places; spacious for two, with a three car garage, a yard for the dogs, three common living spaces; in a calm (but HOA ruled, boo!!), neighborhood. My housemate is great, too. A bit of a talker, sure, but engaging, active, considerate, a bit cleaner than I am.
But that’s not it. Not quite. Other living situations exist in Bend, maybe ones that are even better than this one I’m being forced to leave. The process and physical act of moving is annoying and I’ll gain no pleasure from it until it’s finished, but that’s not enough to seethe like I am.
The search for new housing has been disheartening. Housing exists in Bend, but not the kind it desperately needs. New luxury apartment buildings and million dollar homes are abundant, but these don’t fill my housing needs because I can’t afford places like that. There are a handful of rooms to rent, but with virtually no exceptions, I’d be paying significantly more than I currently am and I already make only enough to scrape by, much less begin paying off my debt or saving for anything at all. Also, most don’t accept dogs or the dog must be under 30 pounds — Ethel seems to have topped out at ~32lbs.
Now I’m getting pissed, and towards the right things to be mad about. And not that it’s any consolation, but this is a common situation all across the country as rent goes up and wages don’t keep up. Workers are being priced out of the cities they live in.
Which is the root cause of why I’m upset: I, like many others, don’t make enough money to afford living where I live.
There are myriad reasons this is the case, but this headline last week from AP News sums it up: “CEOs made nearly 200 times what their workers got paid last year.”
Oof!
I won’t get into the details, but I feel this acutely. It’s frustrating to see the owner of the shop I work at living a life of luxury — multiple million dollar homes in desired locations, various vehicles worth more than any employee’s salary (I’ll stop here but I could go on for a few thousand words with ease) — while I, along with other employees, barely can afford our rent or medical bills, much less do all the fun things this town has to offer.
This is all out of my control and, as I wrote about last week, I’m learning to surrender to the unknown and trust my intuition — my self — to guide my path.
While a chunk of what I’m upset about can be alleviated by letting go and trusting myself, other things need my attention right now. While I can trust my intuition for this immediate need, more needs to happen. The acute pressure of finding housing is something my mind sees as pressure to do, lest I become houseless — an extreme example, to be sure. But the mind only understands these base ideas.
The stress and anxiety minds produce serve a function, often to trigger our fight or flight response. This ancient function is great in that we know when to act, whichever response we choose. It’s also a hindrance, as our unconscious mind can’t tell the difference between real and perceived threats. That response takes any threat to heart immediately and tries to keep us safe from it.
With this, I have a new dilemma.
Unlike the other things my anxiety latches on to, my worries and stress are coming from an immediate need. While it may sound a bit extreme, my most basic worry is becoming houseless. But again, far extremes are how my unconscious self operates to keep me safe. And goodness is my unconscious fantastic at this!
It has since kicked into overdrive, pushing thoughts and plans to find housing and a new job to the front of my thoughts at times when it doesn’t need to.
Oh, I want to read a book? Maybe I’ll read the words, but I’m still thinking about housing. So, I go back and read the same paragraphs three times without understanding a word. I’m having a conversation? I barely heard what the person said and instead was thinking about how jobs may have been posted since I last looked. I have to say something like, ‘Yeah, totally!’ to not get caught zoning out.
‘I’m solving this acute problem,’ my unconscious mind thinks. ‘There’s no better time than right now and all the time!’
But thankfully the unconscious can respond to directives when told in ways it can understand. It certainly works slightly differently for each person, as some of us bend more to logical or emotional or intuitive reasoning, but my brain enjoys logical arguments. My unconscious mind can be told that no one is posting housing or new jobs much past five in the afternoon. Its response is something like ‘Totally, work hours are to be respected! Anything new will be seen tomorrow morning’ and it can take the evening off.
So, one or two spurts throughout the day of searching for jobs and housing become enough. When I need to stop my search —because I need to go to work or my break is over or I’ve spent too long looking — I turn to my unconscious mind and say ‘There’s nothing to be done,’ with the full meaning being something more like, ‘Hey, nice job! The work is done for now. I appreciate the effort and I’ll certainly ask that from you again when the time comes, but take a break now.’ The shorter sentence easily conveys the deeper meaning, because I truly mean it.
Now, my unconscious self is beginning to work for me when I need it, but getting rest when I want or need to do other things. And it’s beautiful. Mostly.
The issue I still struggle with is how I see this big life change that is being forced upon me.
Almost enjoyably, I’m back in old mindsets, playing the victim and letting life have its way with me. Thinking negatively about this situation and how much I wish it wasn’t happening is not only not helping my search, it’s encouraging a laziness in my efforts and shutting motivation down. It’s disheartening and triggers my depression into action — or really inaction.
But here’s what I also know: every setback or forced life change I’ve encountered has turned out alright. It’s uncomfortable and shitty to deal with in the meantime and can lead to undesirable outcomes. I often resent the whole process. But as Calvin’s dad would say, it builds character. Which, I hate to admit, is true.
No one would be the person they are today if not for all the setbacks and struggles they’ve endured along the way. True, it doesn’t turn out well for everyone. But we don’t get the things we want just by believing we should get them. Opportunity seems to prefer to show itself in the presence of hard work.
Which is why I am changing how I think of these setbacks I currently face. I’m choosing to believe that on the other side of my job search are people who see my talents and work ethic and compensate me well for it, and on the other side of this housing search is a place I’ll have all to myself. Even if it’s difficult to believe and see right now, I know it to be true.
And this is called wisdom. Or so my therapist tells me. ‡
Reading
This week I’ve been on a sports kick. I grew up playing and loving many sports and took on athletics as an identity, but in adulthood I’ve dialed it back and just enjoyed sports periodically as entertainment. While I missed Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Boston Celtics and Dallas Mavericks (Boston absolutely trounced Dallas), I’m glad I caught Game 2! Even with a poor shooting performance, Boston took another win to go up 2-0, even though Dallas .
The French Open Singles finals took place this weekend, in which Iga Swiatek easily took the women’s title over Jasmine Paolini and Carlos Alcaraz battled Alexander Zverev to take the men’s title, and became the youngest player to win slams on the three surfaces (hardcourt, grass, and clay) in the process. There are so many talented young players on the tour, so tournaments are a blast to watch. With the big stars of the past 20 years mostly retiring or losing steam (Federer, the Williams sisters, Nadal), it will be fun to see who can step into those roles, if anyone.
Here are two articles from last week I loved, one about an odd sighting on the main court at Roland Garros this year and another that uses tennis as an entry point to what makes sport beautiful.
Why are French Open umpires wearing cameras on their heads? by Matthew Futterman, in The Athletic
While wonderfully not too serious a topic, Futterman gives some clarity to why the umpires at Roland Garros are looking extra goofy on the main court this year. Sure, this POV isn’t necessary or even particularly helpful to almost anyone. But seeing the best ball whackers in the world from the best seat in the stadium can give us all a new appreciation for the skill, speed, and strength the world’s greatest players display each match. Plus, the joy I get from ‘the umpire’s view of athletes worth tens of millions of dollars (and more) whining to them like children pleading with a parent who won’t let them have dessert or watch television’ is immeasurable. Here’s to hoping more Grand Slams employ these head cameras!
The Most Beautiful Stroke in Tennis by Thomas Chatterton Williams, in The Atlantic
In what begins as an ode to the single-handed backhand, Williams dives into something I’ve given much thought: why sports and art are deeply human endeavors. But these are being taken over by statistics and efficiency models. Tennis, basketball, chess, and painting are all mentioned because the humanity within each are why people love them. But when we take away artistry and replace it with deeply researched efficiency strategies (I think the massive increase of three pointers in basketball is the saddest of the sports examples) takes away from the beauty of sports. Watch any Roger Federer backhand highlight videos (or any Federer highlight video) to see the artistry tennis is slowly losing, even with a young wizard like Carlos Alcaraz ascending into his prime.
Music
Shoot dang, y’all!
This week provided an album that I’ll undoubtedly be listening to for a long time to come. KAYTRANADA released TIMELESS, chock full of features, as per usual. His production is full of bounce and groove as usual, but KAYTRANDA’s often overlooked gift is how he picks his features. He brings out the best of artists most already know and love (Childish Gambino, Anderson .Paak, Thundercat) but also highlights artists that have flown under the radar but deserve more attention (Rochelle Jordan, Dawn Richard, Charlotte Day Wilson).
I’ve been giving loads of airtime to Radiohead’s The King Of Limbs. I’ve stanned Radiohead for as long I’ve loved music, and forever will. But this album has always confounded me. I’ve consistently ranked it as my second-least favorite of theirs, only to Pablo Honey which I find unlistenable at this point, especially its biggest hit. But at the urging of a friend whose taste I thoroughly trust (thanks Lisa!), I’ve given The King of Limbs another chance. I’m happy to report that my previous opinion was so wildly wrong that it’s hard to believe I disliked and avoided it as much as I did. The exploration of groove and rhythm blows me away, even though I’m not sure if I can fully get behind Thom Yorke’s dancing to it, but maybe I’ll come around on that too. I don’t think it’ll change much in my ranking of their discography, as almost every album they’ve released is a masterpiece and at least 3 different albums could easily be their best, I’ll certainly be keeping it in rotation when I’m on my Radiohead kicks.
No playlist this week, just give those albums a spin!